fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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