yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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