This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
