She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
