my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
