I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
