I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
