My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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