The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
