I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
whose parrot is this?
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
