My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
