I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
