I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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