I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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