Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize