I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
You may now shotgun with the bride
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
