I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
