i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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