i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
