one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
