happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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