do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
