He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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