I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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