No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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