porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize
