I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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