I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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