Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Someone shit on the floor
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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