On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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