your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
its not stalking. its research.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
