The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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