Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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