You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
