so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
