If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
