I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
