When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
she looked like the before picture.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Randomize
