I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
