I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
