Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize