glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
