Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
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