I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
