So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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