What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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