Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
