Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
