i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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