I faked an abortion last night.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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