I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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