Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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