Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
