I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
