shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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