I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
