I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
