i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Success! We fucked roommates!
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
