I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
