You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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