I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
