yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
