Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
