its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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